6 years ago......

6 years ago today the course of my life was drastically changed......6 years ago today I was heartbroken, horrified, terrified, shattered, scared, lost, at a loss for words......the words to describe the emotions go on and on. 6 years ago today I lost the man I was going to marry and spend my life with. He died suddenly with no real explanation approximately 6 weeks from the day we were to be married. We were going to open a joint checking account the next weekend and the following was my wedding shower, the wedding invitations were stamped and ready to be sent. The plans were in order and we were ready to start our lives together.......but God had a different plan.

God's plan was that Bryan's time on this earth was up....i guess we will never know the reason until we see Jesus in heaven. As hard as it was to accept, His plan was not for us to spend our lives together as husband and wife. I remember feeling so out of control, the shocking reality that at any moment the rug could be pulled out from under me and MY plans terrified me. Almost instantly, I knew I had to go to the One who knows all....the One who has created all....in order to find peace and rest. He is the One who holds this world in His hands and I knew He would hold me and He did and He still does! I find peace in knowing that even though I don't know what tomorrow holds.....God does.....and He will give me the strength to get through whatever crosses my path.

I also realized that the reason I am here on this earth is NOT to fulfill MY plans but to seek Jesus and to fulfill His plans for my life. He is the One who created me, He knows all and sees all so why would I look within myself to see what path to take. Since I was created and because I know nothing but what I can see in front of me, why then would I try to do things on my own? Shouldn't we be seeking Jesus, God, for guidance and for help?

He loves us so much and He wants a relationship with us. I am so thankful for the relationship I have with Him.....I remember talking with one of the ladies at Bryan's church after he passed away and telling her that I was trying to remember the scripture "all things work together for good".......and she said, yes but remember it says "And we know that all things work together for good to those WHO LOVE GOD, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) She emphasized that this scripture is directed only to those who love God....this really spoke to my heart. I think so many people quote this scripture but they don't ever see the power in it....they don't ever see it lived out in their lives because they aren't truly loving God.

Don't get me wrong I am not saying that what happened was good or that Bryan's death was good but I am saying that I called out to the Lord, He carried me through the darkest hour of my life, I fell deeply in love with Him and His word......and He has brought good in my life......He has given me peace in trials, hope in heaven, forgiveness from my sins, joy in Him, and love unexplainable! And He is slowly changing me and molding me into His image although I have a long way to go. AND I believe Bryan is in heaven singing with the angels.....joy unspeakable......even though he is deeply missed by friends and family.....he would not want to leave the presence of our Father.....I find comfort in that!

I will end with Isaiah 61:1-3 one of my favorite scriptures "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has annointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." In my Bible commentary it says Jesus took these verses as His text when He preached in Nazareth (Luke 4:16) and announced that He was ushering in the Year of Jubilee (Lev 25). It is a time of releasing the slaves, canceling debts, and making a new beginning. Today, those who trust Christ begin to enjoy their Jubilee; those who reject Him face judgment.

When I read these verses I feel my heart leaping in my chest and I imagine myself pumping my fists saying YES YES YES.....like I was at a Colts superbowl game watching the running back run across the field and into the end zone for the game winning touchdown.....lol....you get the idea! There truly is hope in Christ!

signing more

Today at lunch I was feeding Israel chicken nuggets and I am pretty sure he was signing "more". I just recently started signing "more" and "all done" to him so I feel encouraged to teach him a few more signs. He likes to communicate and he is very good about "talking/babbling" and reaching toward something to communicate what he wants instead of whining or crying. Before I had kids, I thought teaching kids to sign was silly but I see the value in them being able to communicate their needs/wants before they can say a lot of words. When I sign to him I always say the word along with the sign so he can learn the word too.

schedule

This is the schedule I try to follow with Israel, I don't follow it to a "T" but you get the idea! He has recently changed his schedule since he has been getting up at 7 instead of 8!

7:00-wake, nurse, solids
7:45-8:00-blanket time
8:00-8:30-playpen time
8:30-9:00-mommy play
9:00-11:00-naptime
11:00-wake, nurse, solids
11:45-12:15-playpen time
12:15-1:00-free play, errands, or outside play
1:00-3:00-naptime
3:00-wake, nurse
3:30-bath (every other day), free play, outside play, errands, etc.
5:00-solids and dinner prep while Israel is in highchair
mommy play, free play
Daddy play sometime after dinner
8:00-bedtime

10 months

Israel turned 10 months old on the 6th! Only 7 weeks until he turns 1 year old. What a big boy. He has developed such a personality in the last month or so. He just started putting his hand to his ear to talk on a pretend cell phone.....haha. If I say "where is Israel?", he will cover his face with his hands and then take them off...then I say "there he is!" It is so cute! I am realizing that he understands a lot of what I am saying. He bear crawls pretty much everywhere now instead of the standard hands and knees crawl....everyone thinks it is pretty funny. He has started to let go of furniture while standing and will cruise from one piece of furniture to the next. He loves to play ball and even has his own golf clubs that he likes to use to hit balls around the house with. He likes to roar at people because daddy and I do this when we chase him around the house on all fours...LOL! One day at Wal-Mart he was ROARING at the people that walked by him....it was hilarious! He also talks a lot in his baby jibberish....I love it! He is such a blessing. I was thinking and sometimes I am concerned I might love him too much....I know that sounds wierd but I do love him like crazy. I guess I just want to make sure I love him in a healthy way not too smothery or obsessed...but this week I had two people tell me out of the blue....without me mentioning my thoughts that our love for our children is a reflection of how our heavenly Father loves us! I believe these people were used by the Lord to speak into my life about how much Jesus loves me....it really did blow me away when I related it to the way I think about my son and the thoughts I have toward him.....It is crazy to think that He loves me like that and MUCH more! Thank You Jesus for Your love....I would be so lost without You:)

Cool site for mom's with young children

I just found this web-site for children's learning activities and I LOVE it! It gives a lot of great ideas for learning activities you can do with your child that are age-appropriate. It was neat to see that I am already doing some of them without even thinking about the fact that I am teaching Israel things he needs to know. If you are interested in checking it out you can go to www.learningdevelopmentactivities.blogspot.com

pics of the week..............

I love this lil guy! I have to strap him down in his high chair in order to get a good pick of him....the kid does not stop moving......uh oh, I think I am in for it...lol!

"ni ni" and....... what is on my mind at the moment

Israel says "ni ni" now....I say it to him every time I lay him down for naps or bedtime....he loves it! He says it back to me, it is so cute! I am pretty sure he has also been trying to say doggy, he says something like "do do"......when I say doggy he looks for our dog....he definitely knows what the word means....but this week I caught him trying to say it while looking at dogs. I think the word took on new meaning for him because he was introduced to 4 new dogs this week besides our dog. He loves dogs....he has ever since he has been aware of them.

I went to a baby shower today for a church friend named Sarah. I sat with several other moms from church and other acquaintances. Israel stayed at home...it was so nice to be out of the house and have adult conversations with other women that I have so much in common with... they all have small children AND they love the Lord. We talked mostly about our kids, which is always fun.

Until recently, I have never seen the importance for having female friends than I do right now. Sometimes I crave the interaction and special connection found only in a female friend. Through my high school years I had a lot of friends and I LIVED for my social life. But it was very superficial....don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my friends and I had great ones but it was a time where I didn't feel comfortable within myself....I don't think I felt comfortable totally being myself with all of the pressures to be cool and all. Then in my college years, I so badly wanted to do well in school (since my grades suffered in high school b/c of my social life and the things I got involved with) so I got a boyfriend and we pretty much secluded ourselves. I had women that wanted to be my friends, and they were, to a degree....but I wasn't a very good friend b/c I chose instead to spend EVERY moment possible with my boyfriend. (I apologize ladies! I know some of you read this blog occasionally) I was a bit of a recluse and people probably thought I was a bit strange holing myself up in my room 24/7. Looking back, I was very lost in this time in my life.....thank the Lord, I am finally found:)

Now, I am married to a wonderful, godly man......and I feel safe, secure, I don't feel I have anything to prove.....I have a lil boy, whom I love dearly........I am settled in my skin, in my life....but still striving to be better.....and I want to have deep, meaningful, godly friendships with other women....to rub lives with them, share wisdom, laugh, cry, love, live, pray together and for one another......I see how important this is and how the Lord wants us to share our lives with others besides those we live with....it is part of being a witness of His great love.

I have realized that I do have a best, female friend and I have to say that it didn't come easy at first.....I love her dearly......she is my sister-in-law and we met just before I started dating her brother........we hit it off great and then things got distant between us, I don't even know what really happened but I know that Satan did not want us to be friends....I think deep down we both wanted to be friends and what can I say but that the Lord has restored our friendship, 20 times! What a blessing it is to be friends with someone that you don't feel like you have to impress and can just be your "loser self" with, LOL!....someone that listens.......and is ALWAYS encouraging.....loyal......keeps secrets. Even though we are at different places in our lives, we still have so much in common because of our relationship with the Lord. She inspires me and I am proud to call her not only my sister, but my friend.

So, if you sometimes think that making and keeping friends is more work than it is worth....remember that EVERY beautiful relationship IS work, you have to give of yourself and spend time and energy to get there....BUT in the end it is worth it just to have that someone you call friend! Okay, I didn't plan for such a mushy post but there you have it....I guess the Lord is laying something special on my heart................that I need to be better about reaching out to other women that might be looking for a special friend.